Accepting the closet

Got a call from my mom. I honestly don't know what got into me but I decided to tell her. Everything. Well, the highlights. About the kiss. The dreams. The fears. She isn't entirely surprised. But she isn't going to book a trip to next year's gay pride either. I think her exact words where: "I know this homeopath you should go see." The rest of the converstaion wnet something like this:
Mum: "You should get married and have kids no matter what."
Me: "And then what? I don't know if I want to bring children into this chaos right now."
Mum: "So what? There are tons of single mums out there."
I wouldn't say I'm out of the closet. But at least we established there IS closet. And that isn't a bad start.

337 days until Wedding Day

Dream a little dream

She says "I like your hair". I rest my head on her shoulder. The world starts spinning and we're at the epicenter, trying not to throw up. I lift my head and get behind her, back to back. Here we stand, perfectly still. I try not to breathe. And then she disappears and it feels like I'm falling into the deepest abyss. My alarm gets off and I go to work. I'm fine on the outside and a mess on the inside. Or is it the other way around? I can't remember.

340 days until Wedding Day

Kiss and tell

My first kiss occurred sixteen years ago in a french forest while my father was giving a concert a mere 300 meters away. I puked all over the poor guys' shoes. We dated for a week before he split up with me, suggesting I "wasn't into him".
My first kiss with a girl occurred sixteen days ago outside a famous british gay club a mere 30 mintues after I'd met the girl. She was a stunningly beautiful black young woman, with braided hair down her shoulders and incredibly soft lips. I haven't seen her since.
Although both kisses can be considered to be milestones in my life, they couldn't have been more different from each other. But before you jump to any conclusions let me tell you: I didn't exactly enjoy either one. I'm just not so much into kissing, I guess. I wonder, how many "firsts" I have yet to experience. And somehow I'm not sure I want to find out.

341 days until Wedding Day

To be or not to be

Let's start with the obvious question: Am I a lesbian? The truth is, I really don't know. Most homosexuals say, they've always known on some level. I haven't. Or have I? I did fall in love with my very female dance teacher when I was fourteen. But I've only ever been in relationships with men. Long relationships. Some good, some bad. The one I'm in right now is perfect. Apart from the fact that we don't have sex, maybe. Don't laugh. We share much more than body fluids. So: Am I a lesbian? I really don't know. What I do know is:
I am 29 years old
I like women
I will be married to the man of my dreams in 11 months and 6 days
I know I owe it to myself and this wonderful man to find out. So I'll start digging. Watch this space to find out what I'll uncover.

342 days until Wedding Day